It was a dark and cold Friday night at the Johnson’s house. You could hear the wind roaring. On top of that, it was raining. You can hear the thunder and see the lightning. Eleven year old Brian was stuck at home, with no one to accompany him. As he was sitting on the couch watching a scary movie, there was a cold breeze. Brian could immediately feel the chills running up and down his spine. He wanted to turn on the heater, but in order to turn it on; it required him to take a trip down to the basement. Brian despised the basement; he was terrified of the creatures that lived in his basement.
At first, he did not want to go, so he was sitting on the couch curled up in a ball. He could feel goose bumps spreading from his arm all the way down to his legs. Finally, he builds up the courage to head down to the basement. As Brian is making his way to the basement, he can hear the creaking noise with every foot step. When he reaches for the door knob, he takes a step back. He is terrified of what he will see behind the closed doors.
When he opens the door, all he could see was the darkness of the basement. The light switch was broken at the top of the stairs, so he had to walk down the stairs in the dark. He was beginning to tremble. As Brian’s hands meets the railing, his hands and feed are shaking. Sweat begins to form on his forehead. It runs down his face as he continues to make his way to the bottom. When Brain is half way down the stairs, he walks into a spider web. He simply screams “AHHH!” He then decides to sit down on the hard, cold, stairs. Brian is deciding whether he should turn back around or keep going.
Brian is back on his feet. He is taking one step at a time with his hands extended out to feel for any more spider webs. Finally, he reaches the bottom. He could tell he was at the bottom because it felt like a smooth flat surface. Brain is trying to look for the light switch. To look for the light switch, he puts his hands along the wall as he walks. He feels nothing except the dusty and rough texture of the wall. As his hands are searching, he comes across the light switch. He tries to turn it on, but it does not work.
Brian hears some ruffling sounds coming from a corner with a foul odor. He thinks it could be some type of a rodent. With this in mind, he is beginning to tremble again. Now, he feels like he needs to hurry and find some type of light source; a flashlight or a candle. He comes across a flashlight on a dusty shelf. He is feeling for the “ON” switch and finally turns it on. He shines the flashlight around the cold and dark room. He spots the big metal box that looks like the furnace. He rushes to turn it on, so he can go back upstairs. When he turns it on, he feels so relieved. As he makes his way up the stairs, he turns around and smiles to himself. He was able to go down into the dark and cold basement all alone.
Brian triumphs over his fears! Nice ending. When you said "creatures" in the first paragraph, I was wondering if it was going to be some weird sci-fi monsters or something...
ReplyDeleteSo there's a degree of detail in here that keeps the story very vivid but without slowing it down too much. You get in stuff about the texture of the walls, the character's emotional states, some sound effects, and other stuff...
A couple of things to consider. One, the verb tense shifts back and forth a lot in this story. Sometimes it's in present, sometimes in past. That's a bit confusing. Also, there are a couple of times when it seems like you START getting into a detail without finishing it out. Like what exactly is the "foul odor" for example? There are lots of kinds of foul odors...so I'm not sure what to imagine here. See what I mean?
Still, nice work; I had fun reading this one.